Rough Draft for Peta Essay

Peta’s hardest obstacle to overtake is itself. There is a stigma attached to animal rights activism and it is thanks to the wild shock tactics of Peta. What the ad campaign managers fail to see is that while they are garnering attention for their outlandish tactics such as giving buckets of fake blood to children or throwing paint on fur coats it is alienating them from the rest of society. The Cia released a statement that summarizes public opinion by declaring animal rights activist the biggest suspected threat for domestic terrorism.  Peta needs a more conventional campaign, one that doesn’t put them in the light of crazed activist but rather as an organization with an ethical message to deliver. All too many times Peta’s campaigns have turned people off instead of sparking their interests. Even though it is difficult to be drowned out in this day of media overload, Peta’s extreme tactics are not justifiable as they do not advance the cause of animal rights. Most people are aware of Peta and already have an opinion of them, but if Peta could educate the public then they may have a better chance of gaining support. Another necessity is to get people to understand and emotionally relate to their cause as ethical.

Think of the Aspca campaign and how emotionally overdone it is. A middle ground needs to be found in the search for the correct approach to advertising the cause of animal rights. People don’t want to feel bad, they want to feel good. So, the approach needed will be one that shows animals being saved or rescued from death. I believe this along with educational campaigns on the (actual) pros of vegetarianism will get Peta more support. The campaign needs to be tested in front of people who are not members of Peta so that the impressions can be gauged and changes made accordingly. A campaign that challenges people to be the savior of animals rather than charging them with the guilt of their suffering will be more effective. Also, people who are more educated on the causes of Peta are more likely to understand their point of view than people who are just demographics of a shock tactic. Peta needs to make themselves seem like a cause that everyone can support instead of a small select group.

You are supposedly supposed to be able to catch more flies with honey than vinegar which is a good summary for why shock tactics are ineffective. No one will be apt to listen to Peta’s message as long as the “domestic terrorism” and crazed activist stigmas are present. Peta needs to shake these off with a sound campaign actually about animal rights, and not women licking vegetables in a superbowl commercial. Peta needs to gain our trust after campaigns like “You’re Mommy Kills Animals” and an educational and straightforward message is the way to do it.

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~ by Chase Hukins on February 9, 2010.

3 Responses to “Rough Draft for Peta Essay”

  1. Alex Olivier
    Reggie Poche
    Eng. Comp1158
    15 Feb. 2010
    Chase Hukins’ first draft review

    1. Put the essay’s thesis/main argument into your own words.
    The ideals attached to animal rights activism are the result of PETA’s marketing decisions, but if instead the organization aimed find a common thread the majority of the public could relate to, and educate the public, then its cause may be heard for once, over the screams of shock.

    Is it too general? No,

    Explain why. I pulled info from the two sentences I believed would be the thesis idea, so I think it gives a problem, and a specified root to that problem- which can be fixed by two specified changes in advertising strategies.

    Does it seem to be a logical argument that one has a possibility of proving? Yes

    Explain how. By using examples of other organizations that have used this logic when creating advertisements, and by giving examples of critiques of PETA advertising the author can show that this proposal has the potential to increase PETA’s following.

    How can the author focus the argument if it seems too broad/general to you? Well because education seemed to be a last minute thought that was added in- it only appears in a few ending sentences, other points such as creating a campaign that serves as a middle ground to the extreme strategy of ASPCA’s emotional and PETA’s morbid ads were introduced.

    Do you see potential for a better, narrower argument? If so, what is it? I think the author should pick one or the other to write on, and make sure that’s the one that goes in his thesis. Or if he wants to include both, make sure he elaborates on bothe equally and ties them together.

    2. Point out the best supporting material used to prove the thesis. The CIA example of calling PETA domestic terrorists was very convincing, and there was a fair amount of background to allow the reader to understand what you’re talking about. More flies with honey than vinegar- good relation.

    If the student’s supporting material is vague or general, suggest a few specific, illustrative examples of evidence he or she can use to prove the thesis. (Your personal observations, common knowledge, or our previous readings/research could be of use here.)What types of campaign’s does the ASPCA put out? Talk about specific examples like the McBride commercial with the sad music and the pictures, or the WWf organization’s ads about disappearing polar bears. You say the “’actual’ pros of vegetarianism will get PETA more support” but there is no evidence that their claims are false, or what their claims even are… or what the “actual” pros would be.

    Identify any statements or topics that seem to be irrelevant or “filler” information. “Most people are aware of PETA…may have a better chance of gaining their support” Seemed to have been thrown onto the last paragraph without a real transition, and no other information to further explain the thought, throwing the reader off from the original direction. Also the “women licking vegetables” part has no other information to support the claim you’re using it as an example to make. He also mentions testing advertisements on non-PETA members and gauging their reactions- but then that’s it… If its worth bringing up its worth explaining, right?

    Also, point out passages in which the author repeats him or herself unnecessarily. He uses the same phrases a lot; “tactics,” “shock tactics”

    Suggest ways in which supporting evidence or claims (old or new) can be altered or introduced to better serve the argument. Some claims may need to be completely deleted from the essay. If this were your essay, what topics would you include that maybe the author has not yet considered? I touched on this before, but again, I think if he would elaborate on some ads he already brought up, and introduce other organizations, such as the World Wildlife Foundation, his argument would be better backed.
    3. Describe the most effective use of source material (quotes or paraphrases) in the current draft? What makes it so? The CIA example is a sturdy arguing point. Because people know terrorism and they know the CIA.
    If present in this draft, are sources documented correctly in MLA format, including parenthetical citations? There are no citations.
    Identify other areas in the essay that can benefit from using a source. The pros and cons of vegetarianism, and the ads used as examples would benefit from giving a parent source.

    Also, identify passages that need to be clarified with specific examples or explanation. Education- what are we being educated about? And what methods do you plan to use to educate us?

    4. Assess the essay’s organization. Does it have a beginning, middle, and end? Make recommendations as to how the author can better organize the essay. A lot of the essay is just emitting different opinions and stating the improper methods of PETA advertising. Instead group the information according to relevancy and importance, and separate it with more paragraphs, forcing the author to further delve into each subject of the argument. Like giving education it’s own paragraph to show exactly how PETA can use this strategy to it’s advantage.

    Also, if the conclusion redundantly (and robotically) lists the main supporting points from the body of the essay, offer suggestions for writing an evocative and original conclusion. If the draft is not long enough for you to judge its organizational success, try creating a tentative outline for the author. The beginning of the conclusion was good, but then there was too much new information and examples in it, include those in the body paragraph and then just refer to the ads as a whole in the conclusion. Then, also, you can explain reasons for siding against PETA’s tactics and for these new ones.

    5. Briefly, tell the author what grammar errors you have noticed in the rough draft. Peta should be PETA, and you should explain what it stands for at least once in your paper, same with CIA and ASPCA. Maybe work more on sentence structure, “The approach needed ‘will’ be one…” maybe should instead read “‘would’ be one…” Also, on the last paragraph, first sentence- “You are supposedly supposed to be…” I think you should pick only one suppose to use. Either “Supposedly you can catch…” or “You are supposed to be able to..”

    Main idea?:
    The name and ideals attached to the PETA organization and other animal rights groups are a result of its own actions and decisions in its approach to advertising; however, if they direct their advertising energy to finding a convincing, middle-ground method to portrayal they can widen their following.

  2. Peer Reviewed by Keisha Stewart-Sims

    Hello Chase,

    I see potential in your rough draft. I am guessing that the last two sentences of the first paragraph is part of your thesis. You should somehow fuse them together to let the reader of your paper know that you are arguing that PETA should educate the public by emotionally connecting with the public to prove that they are an ethical group. Please explain what the CIA meant by “domestic terrorism.”

    You need about 3 main topics to talk about.
    In your ASPCA paragraph, How is it emotionally OVERDONE? Are you saying that the ASPCA’s ads are something to emulate?? Why or why not??

    Also, what are some example of effective educational campaigns? & how can the campaign be tested outside of PETA’s members??

    Errors: I believe that PETA threw red pain on fur coat WEARERS and not just fur coats.

    I hope that I have provide helpful feedback. 🙂

    Signed,
    Keisha Stewart-Sims

  3. Hayden Nicholson
    English 1158
    Reggie Poche
    Peer Review Assignment

    1. Put the essay’s thesis/main argument into your own words. Is it too general? Explain why. Does it seem to be a logical argument that one has a possibility of proving? Explain how. How can the author focus the argument if it seems too broad/general to you? Do you see potential for a better, narrower argument? If so, what is it?
    [PETA’s overzealous attempts at promoting animal rights don’t, in the long run, even do any good toward that cause. It’s a bit too general. I mean, it certainly illustrates an opinion and can be defended, but there are many subsections within it that can be explored. It’s certainly logical, however. It can be proven by talking about the anger and shock people feel towards PETA’s ads. You can focus the argument by picking one ad to talk about that you feel doesn’t do any good toward promoting animal rights as much as just pissing people off.]

    2. Point out the best supporting material used to prove the thesis. If the student’s supporting material is vague or general, suggest a few specific, illustrative examples of evidence he or she can use to prove the thesis. (Your personal observations, common knowledge, or our previous readings/research could be of use here.)Identify any statements or topics that seem to be irrelevant or “filler” information. Also, point out passages in which the author repeats him or herself unnecessarily. Suggest ways in which supporting evidence or claims (old or new) can be altered or introduced to better serve the argument. Some claims may need to be completely deleted from the essay. If this were your essay, what topics would you include that maybe the author has not yet considered?
    [I really liked the “catching flies” line. I don’t really see any specific examples, however. You mention the “Your Mommy Kills Animals” ad… why not try to use that as a springboard? You have really good points, just find a narrower topic to apply them to. Otherwise you’re not really too repetitious.]

    3. Describe the most effective use of source material (quotes or paraphrases) in the current draft? What makes it so? If present in this draft, are sources documented correctly in MLA format, including parenthetical citations? Identify other areas in the essay that can benefit from using a source. Also, identify passages that need to be clarified with specific examples or explanation.
    [No quotes. The points you use to support your thesis could do with some, though. Good points with no support from anywhere else.]

    4. Assess the essay’s organization. Does it have a beginning, middle, and end? Make recommendations as to how the author can better organize the essay. Also, if the conclusion redundantly (and robotically) lists the main supporting points from the body of the essay, offer suggestions for writing an evocative and original conclusion. If the draft is not long enough for you to judge its organizational success, try creating a tentative outline for the author.
    [Your essay is definitely well organized and you touch on each of your points in the end. No worries there.]

    5. Briefly, tell the author what grammar errors you have noticed in the rough draft.
    [“the wild shock tactics of PETA” would sound better as “PETA’s wild shock tactics.” ASPCA is fully capitalized. You use a lot of passive voice… try going for more active approaches. In paragraph three you put “You’re” instead of “Your.”]

    Good job!

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